NYT > Adultery

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Love and Infidelity



What has love or the lack of it got to do with infidelity?


There are people who say: "If you really love me, you will never cheat on me."

These are the people who believe in absoluteness, no ifs and buts. Perfect love is equated with complete faithfulness regardless of the situation and circumstances. They will find it impossible to forgive a cheating spouse when the betrayal destroyed the illusion of perfect love.


There are those who say: "If you love me, you will forgive me if I cheat."

These are people who presume that their spouse owe it to them to forgive all their faults. They think their partners should be able to understand their weakness and accept them for who they are. These are people who love only themselves and will never understand how much their infidelity hurts their partners.


A lot of cheaters have been heard saying: " I love my wife but I can't help myself from cheating on her."

These are the people who see infidelity as a purely physical or sexual arrangement. They believe that they are able to separate the act from the emotion, not realizing that others cannot necessarily do the same and thus experience pain. They will continuously cheat on their spouses but will not be willing to permanently cut the ties by separating.


A good number of cheated people have been heard saying as well: "Because I love my spouse, I will forgive him/her for cheating on me."

These people are either genuinely in love with their cheating spouses or feel that it is their duty and obligation to stand by them whatever happens. These people can have it both ways depending on the erring spouse. If the cheating spouse is truly repentant, the readiness of the cheated spouse to forgive and accept makes reconciliation a lot easier. For spouses who have the misfortune of being married to abusive serial cheaters, they can expect to be doing the forgiving act a lot and will find themselves miserable the rest their lives.


While love has often been used to threaten cheaters by withholding it, it can also be used by cheaters to perpetrate abuse in a relationship. The funny thing here is that love doesn't even appear in the equation when people cheat. Cheating is usually about an opportunity and taking advantage of it.


But oh, let's not forget the people who say : "I cheated my spouse because I love my lover!"


Oh well, people never run out of reasons anyway...



Monday, December 26, 2011

The Tragedy of Infidelity





To say that infidelity is a tragedy in marriage is to speak the truth for how can one say otherwise when the proofs are clearly in sight.


The man and woman who were once so in love they can barely take their eyes off each other can now barely look at each other without disgust and anger.


The couple who said yes to stay together forever on their wedding day are now in court battling it out for alimony, child custody and support, and segregation of property.


The excited father who lifted his children in his arms is now with another woman with their own children, leaving the original children to wonder what they did to make their father leave them and their mother.


The responsible mother who took care of the family's day to day needs barely peeks at the children after declaring her independence and her need to be happy which she found in the arms of another man.


The children who were the picture of joy and contentment now either appears withdrawn or angry, unable to understand why they parents can no longer be together and had to go back and forth to be with their mother or father who each have new partners.


The home that was the epitome of heaven on earth now feels like the hottest place in hell, a war zone that can explode at the slightest provocation.


The tragedy lies in the fact that there existed a relationship that for a time held promise for two people until one decided he/she no longer wants to honor the marriage because he/she has found another. It is a real tragedy to see them hurting each other for reasons that could have been avoided if only the cheater cared enough to say no to temptation or if the cheated cared enough to fight for the relationship. The tragedy of it all is that once again, infidelity defeated marriage.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Not Love, Only Need



A man who cheats on his wife does not automatically mean less love for the wife and more love for the other woman. Many cheating men attest to this. They can go as far as proclaiming that sexual activity outside marriage only serves the purpose of fulfilling manly physical needs and love has nothing to do about it at all.

Is there any truth to this claim? And if there is, should it comfort the cheated wife in any way? Can a wife separate the physical from the emotional aspect of sexual relation and say that it is alright after all for the man to cheat because that is the way man was created?

If a man was meant to cheat because it is his nature to do so, then it follows that faithful men are less manly. Anyone in the right state of mind knows that this isn't so. It is simply funny that erring husbands would be the ones to claim possession of manhood when faithful ones have more moral ground to claim it.

The whole male specie does not deserve to be branded as natural cheaters. Many husbands honor their promise to their wives not because they have lesser physical needs but because they decide to rise above common expectation. Having sexual relations outside a committed relationship such as marriage and expecting to be understood for it for manly reasons is just a lame excuse to cover a personal weakness and not a gender weakness. Let every man's action speak for itself.
















Sunday, December 18, 2011

Living with the Lie



When we want something so badly, we sometimes accept things we shouldn't allow to happen. Take for example in marriage, we desperately want to believe that a spouse's cheating ways will not be able to break our marriage. We live with the lie and look the other way.

Infidelity destroys marriage even if we don't say so. It can do its work in stealth mode and still unleash its venom. It doesn't even need to be proven to destroy doubting spouses. The doubts and suspicions will eventually takes its toll even on faithful spouses who are always ready to believe on the good side of their spouses. When cheating is perpetrated continuously, it will do its harm whether the spouses like it or not.

Many cheated spouses tap on their superhuman strength and determination to steel themselves against the onslaught of betrayal. They hold on to the dream that their cheating spouses will eventually find their way back to them and totally forget about the other man or woman that has caused them to stray.

In the meantime, they hold on to the fort of marriage by acting like a loyal spouse would. They would make the necessary excuses for their cheating spouses in front of their children, their relatives, and their friends. Some are miraculously rewarded for their gallant efforts when a cheating spouse reforms but many end up living with the lie of infidelity for the rest of their married life.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Obsessing About the Other Woman



It is natural for a wife to want to know the competition. Knowing the other woman is said to equip the wife with the weapons needed to win back the affection of the cheating husband. This is true to a certain degree because knowing what made the mistress attractive in the eyes of the man of their common affection could hold the key in discovering the reason behind the infidelity which could hopefully lead to the solution for the marital problem.

Wanting to know more about the other woman could easily lead to obsession especially if the affair has managed to totally alienate the affections of the husband for the legal wife. For a wife who feels that she is about to lose or has lost her husband to another woman, there is a compelling need to identify the woman who dares or has dared to steal her husband. Many cheated wives will not meekly wait for their husbands' "return" but would fight all the way for the man of their lives.

What does she look like? Where does she live? Is she married? Does she have children? Is she working and if she is, where? There are so many questions to be answered, some of which can only be answered through private investigation. Most of the time, the cheated wife seeks these information without even knowing what to do with them. Some even go the extremes of stalking the other woman, repeatedly confronting her or threatening her for carrying on an affair with her husband.

While these may be recognized as spontaneous actions of a wife in pain, continued obsession on the other woman is not healthy for the cheated wife. In fact, instead of convincing the husband to return to her, the semblance of the wife's desperation drives him further away straight into the arms of the other woman. Also, obsession is a very self-destructive reaction to infidelity as the aggrieved spouse allows the mistress of his cheating husband to have power over her when there should be none.

When it is evident that the husband is a lost cause, the cheated wife must learn to let go. Unless she does, her life will always revolve around the infidelity and desertion. There is life after a cheating spouse and the faithful wife should not allow her life to stop while others continue to live theirs.










Monday, December 12, 2011

Never Lie To Me



If given a choice, I wouldn't want to know of my spouse's past infidelity specifically if it has long been over. The belated confession does not serve any purpose but to clear my cheating spouse's conscience and hurt me. Personally, I would rather that he carry the burden alone so that he gets punished without my involvement. In short, I'd rather that he lie to me forever about that particular infidelity and make sure that I never get to know of it - ever.

I say this mainly because of the need for self-preservation. I wouldn't want to be imagining the intimacy that occurred between my husband and another woman. It would just be too devastating and I'm afraid that I would have to leave him.

Cheating that is still happening is an entirely different ballgame. I would like to know the truth because I deserve to have the chance to make my own decisions based on such infidelity. This is particularly important if the affair has been going on for some time because it shows that a connection has been established and that is unfair to me. I will find it hard to forgive a single unfaithful act and I seriously doubt my capability to even think of forgiving several unfaithful acts. I have a feeling that I will leave him just the same for telling me.

This is why I say to him, lie to me if you can, as long as you can, because I cannot accept such betrayal. Better yet, I'd rather tell him, never lie to me and never be unfaithful to me and I'd never leave. Such is my position and that is non-negotiable.






Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Vicious Cycle of Infidelity



A married couple can go through several episodes of infidelity by one or both. The violation of trust can be so repetitive that it becomes a vicious cycle of betrayal, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Unless the situation is effectively resolved, infidelity becomes a form of abusing the cheated spouse over and over again.

The scene is very familiar. A couple starts out so in love they hardly go anywhere without the other. When disillusionment starts to set in, one becomes vulnerable to cheating and cheats. Depending on how the affair works out, the cheater can come back to the faithful spouse after a number of days,weeks, months or years. The cheated spouse forgives the erring spouse and the two reconcile. After some time, the cycle is repeated. Pregnancy can occur within this recurring cycle, increasing the number of people directly affected in the process.

There area number of reasons why someone who has been repeatedly lied to due to infidelity will choose to go through the cycle rather than leave. Concern for the welfare of the children is one reason why the vicious cycle of infidelity is chosen over the more logical option of separation. It is logical in the sense that repetitive cheating does not manifest much hope for long-term reconciliation which is necessary to rehabilitate a failing marriage.

Marriage will not stand a chance unless the cycle is broken. Cheaters can break the cycle of inflicting pain to the spouse while faithful spouses can break the cycle of accepting this kind of abuse from cheaters. A cycle has no end so it will be up to the people who are affected to get out of it.














Monday, December 5, 2011

Unsilenced Doubts



Many women who have previously caught their boyfriends cheating on them go on to marry the cheater in the hope that marriage will ensure conversion towards faithfulness. In spite of an inner voice that says not to, they just had to go on and take the chance. The interesting part here is that some women are aware that their boyfriends have existing relationships with other women at the time of marriage and yet believe that everything will go away once their marriage is legalized.

The wedding appears to be a representation of legal right over a man against all other women laying claim to his affection. There is a belief or a longing that everything will turn out all right in the end after the struggles of a relationship, much like a fairytale. This expectation rarely happens in real life as unsilenced doubts continue to haunt a woman even in marriage.

There is absolutely no basis for the proposition that a marriage will stop cheating or infidelity. In fact, maternal responsibilities of a woman can effectively limit her movements with regards to keeping track of her spouse's womanizing ways. Cheating husbands will also find all kinds of justification to be unfaithful.

It is unrealistic to expect a known cheater to magically change overnight because of a wedding ceremony. Hopes of growing together in marriage may not have any foundation to lean on. Wedding jitters is not the same as entertaining serious doubts about entering into marriage with a particular person. Serious doubts that focus on the prospective lifetime partner have reasons and are not merely caused by some bout of nervousness of venturing into the unknown. If you seriously doubt the fidelity of your would be-spouse, don't expect the doubts to be silenced by marriage.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Is It Cheating If ...?



It can be very hard to believe that one person wouldn't know that he/she is guilty of marital cheating. We will notice in daily columns tackling personal relationships, numerous questions seeking the analysis of whether or not a certain act or acts they did constitute being untrue to their partner. I have a feeling that they know the answer to their own questions and they are merely asking either to reinforce their belief or hopefully find a justification or an ally.

The question: Is it cheating if ...?

Let us attempt to find the answer to that question.

Is it cheating if I look at attractive men? Is it cheating if I flirt mildly with women at my office? Is it cheating if I try to look more attractive especially in front of my boss? Well, everyone would have to agree that these acts hardly constitute infidelity but we all know that they can be precursors to actual cheating.

Is it cheating if I try to get to know an attractive man better? Is it cheating if I engage in sexual innuendos with my co-workers? Is it cheating if I make suggestive moves while seeking familiarity with my superiors? These are NOT YET acts of infidelity but these people are definitely walking on dangerous grounds.

Is a one-night stand with absolutely no emotions involved considered cheating? Is confiding marital and intimate details to a special friend of the opposite sex in the office cheating? Is having a sexual relationship with my boss cheating even if I am only doing it for career gain which will eventually benefit my husband and my children? These are clear acts of infidelity because they all violate the trust that should exist in any committed relationship such as marriage.

What is the underlying motive of engaging someone in an emotional attachment, of trying to be more attractive to a particular person who is not the spouse, and of trying to separate the physical and emotional aspects of the sexual act? We define cheating by the motives and the acts that follow. If they undermine the value of the relationship in any way, you can be sure that what you are doing is cheating.