NYT > Adultery

Monday, May 16, 2011

Fight or Retreat







Brave is a person who has been cheated on and yet accepts the fact of betrayal and the betrayer. It takes extraordinary strength to do this but many have done it in the name of real commitment to marriage. While all efforts to save a relationship rocked with infidelity deserve commendation, is it possible that some may just be trying to save a marriage that has long been over?

Relationships work because people involved in them choose to participate constructively. Once they became one-way where only one gives, shares and cultivates, there ceases to be any relationship to speak of. The whole thing becomes a lonely quest for the impossible.


History has shown us inspiring stories where love and determination manage to conquer all, even the transformation of certified philanderers into faithful partners. The problem with these stories is that they are few and far between, partly explaining why they are given more attention than others. Without even inquiring into the details of these stories, it would be safe to presume that pain and suffering were pretty much part of the whole process.


No matter how willing a cheated spouse is to ignore evident signs of cheating, its reality can be very difficult to deny when it starts affecting the children, the cheated spouse's personal well-being, and the quality of family and personal life in general which results to extreme stress and pressure for everybody involved. Courage and strength is not merely limited to pushing on in times of adversity, it is also about accepting "defeat" when all efforts have been exhausted to fight for one's cause.

Cheated spouses sometimes have to look beyond themselves and the present when they decide on what to do after unabaited spousal infidelity. Acceptance of the truth makes it easier to start over as choices become clearer. Retreating on one battle to fight for a good life is no cowardice.







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