Cheating Talks

Many cheaters get caught because they don't realize that cheating talks. It has its own language referred to as cheating body language. It reveals what is sought to be hidden. It shouts what the lips can only whisper.

Cheating spouses try their best to act as normal as possible and in doing so inadvertently call attention to the very lack of normalcy in their actions. A cheater when confronted acts on the defensive while a wrongly accused acts on the offensive when put to the test. Lying is a necessary component of cheating which manifests itself through body language.

A cheater is prone to the extremes. Either he/she is unable to make direct eye contact with the suspecting spouse or makes too much eye contact just to prove his/her innocence. Either an indirect answer is given or too much information is provided for simple questions asked from him/her in an effort to cover-up the real circumstances surrounding the real answer. Frequent unnecessary movements of the hands such as touching the face, throat, mouth, eyes, nose, and earlobes while talking with the doubting spouse connotes nervousness and discomfort.

Cheaters typically prefer to look to the side or position their bodies sideways because they are uncomfortable facing their accusers. Facial expressions also do not match what they are saying. Voice modulation is also widely observed among cheaters in their effort to mask real emotions. They also tend to talk faster than usual with a tendency to stutter which can also come with a hint of tremble in the voice. The face can also appear flushed.

Our bodies can betray our secrets. Sometimes, private investigators need not be employed to find out the truth about suspected spousal infidelity. Most of the time, the clues are just right there for the picking.

The Road to Redemption

Entering a serious relationship such as marriage requires a certain degree of faith to hope that two people who may come from different sides of the world and brought up in entirely different environments can ever succeed in staying together as a married couple. Difficult? - Yes!Possible? - Yes!

It is a mistake to think that couples who end up being together for a long time, if not for the rest of their lives, are those that did not encounter problems in their marriages. There will be minor faults on both sides and there will be major mistakes along the way. There will only be one thing that can save marriages through these crucial times and that is forgiveness.

In spousal infidelity, the road to redemption for both the cheater and the cheated lies in the act of accepting the mistake, being sorry for it, and obtaining forgiveness for it. This seemingly simple act of forgiving transgressions provides the relationship a fighting chance to succeed. Without it, bitterness prevails and separation follows.

Married couples need not be extraordinarily religious to realize that their being together serves a specific purpose not only for themselves but to the society as well. Trying to overcome difficulties together is an expected and integral part of forming life as a couple. Respecting the sanctity of the vow is an essential component of true commitment.

Redemption always comes at the end and never at the beginning. Lessons are learned after the mistake and not before. The lessons of infidelity are best taken to heart so that the same pain will never have to be undergone more than once, if at all. Being able to go through spousal infidelity and survive it to become a better person is in itself a redemption.

Infidelity in the Eyes of a Child

Children would like to believe that their parents are perfect. Cheating parents would also like to believe that their children don't know what they are doing and are doing okay in case they know. Even with the lack of specifics, children will ultimately know at least the nature of the situation in which their parents are involved in. When children know that a parent is cheating, they are confronted with conflicting emotions, including not only the realization that their parents are not perfect but also of the cheater's capability and willingness to cause great pain to the family.

Pain felt by children about the betrayal can be manifested through outright rebellion or misleading passiveness. Younger children may exhibit excessive tantrums while teenagers can challenge authority of parents. Being quiet does not necessarily equate to acceptance but rather a resignation to the hopelessness of openly contradicting a cheating parent.

Couples battling infidelity sometimes do not realize that they are forcing their children to take sides. The choice can be based on who is perceived as the good parent and not necessarily the good spouse. Usually however, young and impressive minds will see the cheating spouse as the bad parent. The basic question is: Who hurt who?

Cheating affects children more than parents can ever fathom. Cheating spouses are putting their children at a great disadvantage in terms of their future capability to trust. No matter how well-handled the situation may have been by the parents, it would always be difficult for a child to understand why his /her father cheats on his/her mother, or vice versa.

Infidelity shatters a child's sense of family security. What were previously perceived as truths are being questioned. The unspoken vow of parents to protect their children at all costs is seriously violated by breaking the marital vow.

Know When Reconciliation After Infidelity is NOT an Option

In order for reconciliation after infidelity to be truly possible, specific conditions have to be met. The first condition is the cheater's admission of guilt and the promise to terminate the extramarital relationship immediately. Another condition is the aggrieved spouse's forgiveness and the promise to allow trust to grow again.

How do affected couples know that reconciliation is no longer possible? It is quite simple really. If any or both spouses are not willing to satisfy the above conditions, they are better off discussing their separation in a peaceful and intelligent manner.

Imagine how cheated spouses can ever recover if their cheating spouses continue to lie and maintain communication with their lovers. Terminating illicit relationships is extraordinarily difficult to do especially among cheaters who maintain simultaneous relationships with several lovers. If you think terminating links with one lover is difficult, you haven't seen nothing yet with cheaters having simultaneous lovers.

Imagine as well a truly repentant cheater who gets rebuffed and constantly reminded of the mistake over and over again , in all possible circumstances and occasions. No peace of mind is ever given and obvious display of lack of trust is like a repetitive slap on the face. Changing for the better is almost impossible with the absence of any encouragement from the hurt spouse. It wouldn't even be surprising if the cheater relapses just from the mere exhaustion of trying.

There is a time to fight but there is a time to concede a relationship. Before final decisions are made, couples should give time to each other to consider what will be the best for each. The cooperation of both is required whatever decision they come up with in the end.

Can a Cheater Change for Good?

If we only knew a direct and precise answer to the question of whether a cheater can change for good or not, cheated spouses will probably have a ready answer when it is time to make a decision. If we would rely on the old saying that "once a cheater, always a cheater", then the answer is clear. There will be no need to extensively analyze the situation since choices are limited to two: accept or reject a cheater.

Without a clear-cut answer, cheated spouses may have to do a lot of wondering about their decision. The lack of definiteness gives rise to the possibility of change and absolute conversion in a once erring spouse. On the other hand, the risk of being hurt again by a repeat episode of infidelity is very real.

The numerous possibilities as to the outcome of a discovered infidelity makes it difficult to make life-changing decisions such as divorce or reconciliation. What makes the decision making process very hard is when a cheated spouse believes that there is a chance that change is possible, no matter how small. An aggravated spouse who does not entertain any doubt that his/her spouse will cheat again will have an easier time to cut clean of the relationship as compared to one who is holding on to the slimmest chance of change.

Ultimately, the decision will be based on the value given to the relationship and the partner as well as the willingness of the faithful spouse to give a second, third, or fourth chance...It will always be a personal decision in the same manner that changing will always be a personal decision of cheaters. In finding ways to avoid further episodes of cheating, couples should focus on the root cause and resolve it. Doing so will allow for a greater chance of changing the cheater for good.

The Complexities of Infidelity

Infidelity is never strictly the same for affected couples. What happened to your friends will not necessarily happen to you. How other affected couples reacted to their ordeal will not necessarily be your reaction. The absence of definitiveness in all aspects of infidelity makes it too complex to be addressed by a single uniform action.

What makes infidelity so complex? One is the difference in personalities involved. People do not have the same desires, needs, wants, views, and values. What is good for one may be be bad for another. People also have different capacities for forgiveness. Without forgiveness, marriage is doomed from the onset of infidelity.

Another is the difference in circumstances. Acceptability of spousal infidelity can be influenced by traditions, laws, and beliefs. It is almost impossible to fight what one has been accustomed to all his/her life. Problem arises when two people from entirely different upbringing in the subject of marriage decide to form a life together with each asserting their very difference. A prospective bride cannot expect to change her man overnight by simply getting married when he sincerely believes that there is nothing wrong with polygamy. After marriage, what the woman sees as infidelity or adultery may just be a normal way of life for the man.

Still another is the ability of cheaters to reform and make good on the promise to cease infidelity. Many start and end as one-timer cheaters while others make a habit out of it. Some will be unable to control themselves because of a psychological or physical condition such as sex addiction.

Attacking infidelity therefore for the purpose of stopping it requires analysis of individual cheating cases. Generalizing simply will not do. If resolving infidelity is so simple, we may not be looking at alarming infidelity statistics as we are doing now.

Revenge That Backfires

The tremendous amount of pain and anger can easily cloud a cheated spouse's judgment. There is an almost automatic reaction to hurt the cheating spouse with the same intensity and gravity. During this time, the temptation to enter a revenge affair is at its greatest.

A revenge affair is an extramarital affair engaged into by cheated spouses to retaliate on their cheating spouses. It is not sought because of any romantic or sexual need but by a singular aim to inflict pain on a betrayer. What most hurting spouses often forget is that revenge usually hurts the person seeking it more than the person for which it was intended. It is no different with infidelity.

Cheated spouses would try to find the fun, the excitement, and the thrill that their cheating spouses had in pursuing extramarital affairs. Fun, excitement, and thrill will remain elusive since cheated spouses are too full of anger and pain for any other emotion to penetrate. Instead of deriving satisfaction from extramarital sexual relations, cheated spouses feel cheap and low because they know that what they are doing is wrong. It has often been said that another wrong doesn't make things right.

What is worse is that the guilt of cheating spouses is lessened because they feel that they have already been punished. With both spouses being on equal footing in terms of infidelity, the original cheating spouse may seek to justify what he/she started. For people who matter like children of the spouses, retaliation does not make cheating acceptable. What will stand out in the end is that both parents cheated and in effect violated the inherent trust in a family.

Unknowing partners in revenge affairs can also be unfairly used to achieve a personal aim of vendetta. Cheated spouses can easily end up hurting other people in the same manner that they have been hurt by their cheating spouses. Before they realize it, they manage to hurt themselves more than their cheating partners.

The Rare Commodity

During these times when most married people are having a serious confrontation with the horrors of infidelity, the faithful spouse has become a rare commodity indeed. Often taken for granted, having a loyal partner is usually unappreciated especially in this world where there are so many distractions and "necessities". Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a faithful spouse and those who are in this position should have many things to be thankful for.

Spouses invest time, emotions, and self in loving each other. When everything goes down the drain because of an act of infidelity, the feeling of loss and waste cannot be denied. A faithful spouse is an affirmation of the decision to marry this particular person. It is a proof that everything that has been done in the name of the relationship has not been in vain.

Having a faithful spouse shields the family from the pain brought about by infidelity. The only way to avoid the trauma and pain associated with spousal cheating is not to get involved in it. When a person chooses to cheat, he/she is literally opening the floodgates of tears and anger into his/her own home. Once opened, turning back is difficult, if at all possible.

Faithful spouses spare their family from the grief of having to make and face heart-wrenching decisions like divorce, child custody, and property division. Fidelity between spouses helps to keep the family intact as children, even when grown-up tend to take their cue from parents who kept their marriage strong and truthful. Cheating is not something to be experimented on or taken lightly because of its far-reaching effects on people who matter most. A faithful spouse can help seal the fate of the family towards happiness and peace.

The Inner Struggle

Even in the most experienced and notorious cheaters, a certain inner struggle always exists in cheating on the spouse. By remaining married while committing infidelity, cheaters show that they are yet unable to release the legal spouse even when they engage in sexual relations with another. Infidelity happens when the need for self-gratification wins over the need to remain faithful to a committed relationship.

Thus, we often hear cheaters saying their famous lines like " I love you but I am not in love with you." Now what the heck is that supposed to mean? It simply means that the cheater "loves" the spouse enough to care about his/her pain but not in the romantic and passionate way as lovers do. Cheaters remain sensitive to the truth that they are the cause of their partners' grief but are unable to stop themselves from pursuing what they have with another.

Remembering the good times in marriage initiates feelings of guilt and doubt but can be overrun by the excitement and thrill of a new romantic interest. The initial stage of infidelity is usually the most difficult for the cheater thus the need to compensate for the behavior. Time tends to deaden the guilt and doubt. As cheaters see their new relationships develop, they become emboldened and become actually comfortable with what they are doing. The struggle is no longer confined to the inner emotions but now includes the struggle to keep up the pretense of maintaining simultaneous relationships.

The inner struggle returns when the time to make a decision between the spouse and the lover comes. This usually happens when the legal spouse has become highly suspicious of the cheater's activities or the lover has become more demanding of the cheater's time and attention. At this time, cheaters are in the highest risk of discovery because of the opposing demands of the spouse and the lover. Sooner or later, a choice has to be made.