The Inner Struggle

Even in the most experienced and notorious cheaters, a certain inner struggle always exists in cheating on the spouse. By remaining married while committing infidelity, cheaters show that they are yet unable to release the legal spouse even when they engage in sexual relations with another. Infidelity happens when the need for self-gratification wins over the need to remain faithful to a committed relationship.

Thus, we often hear cheaters saying their famous lines like " I love you but I am not in love with you." Now what the heck is that supposed to mean? It simply means that the cheater "loves" the spouse enough to care about his/her pain but not in the romantic and passionate way as lovers do. Cheaters remain sensitive to the truth that they are the cause of their partners' grief but are unable to stop themselves from pursuing what they have with another.

Remembering the good times in marriage initiates feelings of guilt and doubt but can be overrun by the excitement and thrill of a new romantic interest. The initial stage of infidelity is usually the most difficult for the cheater thus the need to compensate for the behavior. Time tends to deaden the guilt and doubt. As cheaters see their new relationships develop, they become emboldened and become actually comfortable with what they are doing. The struggle is no longer confined to the inner emotions but now includes the struggle to keep up the pretense of maintaining simultaneous relationships.

The inner struggle returns when the time to make a decision between the spouse and the lover comes. This usually happens when the legal spouse has become highly suspicious of the cheater's activities or the lover has become more demanding of the cheater's time and attention. At this time, cheaters are in the highest risk of discovery because of the opposing demands of the spouse and the lover. Sooner or later, a choice has to be made.