Cheating Gossip

We are all familiar with the pain brought upon by gossip, whether true or false. Cheating gossip is especially hurtful because it can destroy a relationship that affects the lives of not only two people but the lives of the people important to them as well. Discussions of possible infidelity are especially juicy when the personalities involved are known to rumor-mongers since the gossip automatically represents a face.

This is the reason why gossips come alive in offices, neighborhoods, organizations, and social circles. Sometimes it is true that the subjects bring the wrath of gossip upon themselves by their careless actions. It is very difficult for onlookers not to give malice to actions and words that have clearly gone overboard the accepted social standards.

Protestations of innocence is most often not enough if actions go against the words. When a man and woman married to other people choose to forge a special bond between them that can easily be interpreted as more than friendship, they invite the accusations, the malice, and of course, the cheating gossip. Adults are expected to act responsibly so as not to provide a reason for gossip to begin.

That said, responsible adults are likewise expected to know that participating in gossip does not hold promise of any good result. Gossip has destroyed a lot of relationships that should not have been destroyed in the first place. Cheating gossips can be initiated by another person due to anger, jealousy, and other personal reasons to exact vengeance for a reason totally unrelated to infidelity. It would help to remember that the damage that results from unfounded gossip never gets completely erased and this has caused many individuals to suffer unfairly for a considerable length of time.

Blackmailing the Cheater

In extramarital affairs gone sour, one scenario that is most likely to arise is the blackmailing of the cheater by his/her lover. Secret lovers tend to stick together in covering up an illicit relationship and when a change of heart occurs, there is definitely an underlying reason. A lover or mistress will not expose or threaten to expose the affair partner unless there is an expected benefit that will result if he/she is able to strike fear in the heart of the cheater.

The most common reason for blackmailing a cheater is the lover's perception of decreasing affection. The blackmailer hopes to prevent the cheater from ending the affair especially if he/she has reason to believe that the cheater is seriously thinking of cutting off ties. The threat of exposure usually works at a time when the cheater realizes the importance of his/her marriage. This is quite ironic since the cheater is forced to prolong the affair so as not to destroy the chances of reviving a troubled marriage.

Another common cause is money. The motive for blackmailing a cheater in exchange for gaining monetary considerations may exist from the very start or towards the end of the relationship. Premeditated blackmailing has been planned even before the relationship started. Blackmailing lovers typically target prospective cheaters who are rich, famous, or at least have something particularly useful such as influence.

Blackmailing that happens towards the end of the relationship can be a direct offshoot of loss of affection. It can be used as a form of revenge or gaining consolation in getting a financial benefit in the face of the ended affair. Financial gain they say, has a way of softening the pain brought about by a separation that is inevitable anyway.

Sometimes, the legal spouse of the the lover does the blackmailing and ends up victorious in gaining back his/her spouse and exacting revenge on the affair partner. This is one of the most equalizing twists of infidelity. In instances where the cheater is being blackmailed by the cheated, it becomes very clear that two can play this cruel game.

The Cheating Karma

Karma is a Sanskrit word which means action or deed. Most of us associate it with the cycle of cause and effect where we expect to get results based on what we do. In Hindu, God's involvement in the cycle of karma is attributed to his fairness in giving people exactly what they deserve. This means reaping the benefits of our good deeds or suffering through the consequences of the bad.

There are some people who believe that a person who is presently being wronged by a spouse through infidelity may have done the same act or acts in an earlier life. In essence, if a person cheats on his/her spouse today, he/she will me made to suffer the same fate in a future life when reincarnated. This view of course is very subjective since not all of us believe in past lives or future lives different from the life which we are living now.

In the Western world, the saying most often used that is closest to the principle of karma is "What goes around comes around". This is simply saying that what you do eventually comes back to you. The cheating karma can be considered poetic justice for the cheated ones as they get to exact revenge without lifting a finger, whether they like to or not.

Believers in the existence of bad karma say that the vicious cycle can be stopped by forgiveness. A cheated person who is presumed to have been the cheater in an earlier life can take the opportunity not to add any more bad feelings and actions that would allow the bad karma to fester. By being able to forgive and recommit to the relationship, the cheated person elevates himself/herself to a higher spiritual level.

People need not be believers in karma to realize that betrayal of spousal trust cannot produce positive results. Cheated spouses will lose faith in other people. Cheaters themselves will be unable to have peace of mind knowing that what they did can easily be done to them by their new lovers. Unless properly resolved, infidelity will have long-term effects.

Changing the Cheater

Changing the cheater is such a complicated business because no one can really answer if its possible except the cheaters themselves. External intervention such as counseling and threats of separation can only go so far. Towards the end, repeat infidelity of the cheater may no longer be the issue but the capacity of the cheated spouse to trust again.

The question: Can a cheater ever change for good?

Those who answer "yes" may be people who trust in the basic goodness of human beings regardless of mistakes and faults committed along the way. They can also be people who cannot recognize an unrepentant cheater if they see one. They can also be cheated spouses who choose to forgive and allow trust to reign in the relationship once again.

People who say "no" have zero tolerance for spousal cheating thus their disbelief in the possibility of changing a cheater. They may likewise believe in the basic goodness of humans with the exception of those who have clearly manifested their flaws. They can be cheated spouses who could never give reconciliation a chance.

The middle-grounders who say "maybe" realize that there are certain conditions that need to be met for real change to occur in cheaters. First is the admission of guilt by the cheater and the acceptance by the cheated spouse of the mistake as something forgivable. Second is the in-depth analysis of why cheating occurred and how it can be avoided in the future. Third is the determination of both parties to make it work. Cheaters should stop rationalizing their behavior while cheated spouses should allow the positive change to happen by trusting again.

Hating But Loving

No one can really explain the how it is possible to love and hate a person at the same time. Take for instance the case of spousal cheating where the cheating part itself is hateful but the cheated spouse still finds it impossible to fall out of love from the cheater. This reality is directly related to the amount of invested time and effort in a relationship.

In a relationship such as this, couples often find themselves dealing with a roller-coaster of emotions as they try to cope with the realities of the situation. One part would like to be released from the relationship while the remaining part wants to stay on. The result will depend on which part eventually comes out stronger.

It is common to see cheated spouses leaving their cheating partners in anger and disgust over the discovered infidelity only to come back, being unable to "live" without the cheater. Many do so and force themselves to go through the struggle of coming to terms with the unfaithful act that has been done by their spouses as they try to save their marriages because of love. Saving a marriage that has been disturbed by infidelity cannot be done by the cheated spouse alone.

Cheated spouses who decide to stay even after discovering spousal infidelity will have many moments of doubt and insecurity before they can truly overcome the betrayal. What the cheater does during this critical stage will account for the final result. The hating but loving stance of spouses on the receiving end of infidelity sometimes result to lowered self-esteem and respect as they run after their cheating spouses in spite of being rejected over and over again when these cheaters choose their lovers over them. Faced with this situation, cheated spouses should probably start showing more love for themselves and pick up the pieces of their lives without their cheating partners.

Threats of Exposure

The one thing good about having a cheating spouse who has something to lose is that threats of exposure can convince him/her to stop. Anyone who stands to lose something important such as reputation, work, or financial benefits, can be forced to cease unfaithful acts if exposure will lead to deprivation or withholding of these things. This is of course granting that cheaters have yet to lose them. Otherwise, threatening them will not produce desired results.

Cheaters who still value their reputation usually include people who hold important positions in the government and the community. Since these positions are typically trust-related, it would be very difficult to reconcile the desired trustworthy image with that of a cheating spouse. It is almost impossible to convince the public to separate the cheater's public life from the private. Exposure of marital infidelity has brought the downfall of many powerful men because cheating in any aspect is unacceptable in people who are given so much power. How can one believe a presidential candidate for example that he will be true to his office and mandate when he cheats on his wife?

Cheaters who work in job environments that heavily sanction spousal infidelity by outright dismissal and other forms of "punishment" will definitely reconsider a spouse's request or demand to terminate an existing affair under threat of exposure. This threat comes out double-bladed if the lover is also employed in the same company. This can be a very convincing threat especially if the lover has his/her own family who will likely suffer as a result of the sanctions given.

Threats of exposure related to withholding of certain financial considerations may affect division of conjugal property, child custody and support, and alimony. Inheritance can also come into the picture particularly in circumstances where wealthy parents of affected couples show disapproval of divorce through decreased share in the expected estate. Threatening to expose infidelity might just work for cheaters who may need some serious jolting from their imagined freedom.

The Politics of Cheating

Would you believe that there is such a thing as politics of cheating? Just like in regular politics, couples dealing with infidelity observe specific rules and standards which they deem acceptable to both of them. Each is expected to understand the parameters of a relationship and is expected as well to accept the consequences for going beyond what is allowed.

The most common standard among married couples is that infidelity is not acceptable and therefore cannot be tolerated in the relationship. It is clear from the start that the cheater risks the possibility of losing the faithful spouse when infidelity is confirmed. Many couples tie the fidelity agreement with matters pertaining to finances, property, and rights to children probably in the hope that each will think many times before deciding to cheat.

Many couples have an unspoken truce to accept the infidelity of the other without expressly saying it and as long as it does not result to public embarrassment especially to the cheated spouse. Some subscribe to the belief that what they don't know won't hurt them. Others just look at infidelity as a minor inconvenience in a much larger picture of preserved marriages typically of those in important social positions.

Couples can agree to grant the privilege of "cheating" to each other such as in open marriages. Although extramarital affairs are mutually allowed and therefore does not strictly constitute cheating, certain rules are still to be observed such as the knowledge of the partner with regards to the sexual relation with another. The context of cheating arises only when one partner purposely hides a particular affair from the other.

People enter marriage under a general rule but usually end up with their own modifications to accommodate their preferences. That is how politics is, always trying be ahead of the other.

A New Beginning

Discovering spousal infidelity can come as a blessing in disguise especially for those who have been betrayed many times or for a considerable length of time. Most of the time, it would take a confirmation of cheating for long suffering spouses to take real action. In the lighter side, knowing makes it possible to have a new beginning.

Starting anew does not only mean leaving the relationship to pursue a life away from the cheating partner. It can also be about reassessing the marriage and understanding what led to the unfaithfulness. Starting from there, changes can be made by the couple to end extramarital affairs and concentrate on what can be done to save the marriage.

It does not stop on saving the marriage as in merely deciding to stick together. There must a conscious effort by the cheater to mend his/her ways and by the cheated in allowing trust to come back to the relationship. Couples who have gone through the difficulty of marital cheating and survived it come out wiser in knowing that infidelity is a real threat to marriage.

A cheated spouse who is able to free himself/herself from the bondage of doubt and betrayal is entitled to a new beginning. After going through the different phases of insecurity, hurt, anger, and despair, it is time to move on and discover what lies in store for one's self. Regardless of what decisions are made in the future, the cheated can take control of his/her own life with or without the cheating partner.