Changing the Cheater

Changing the cheater is such a complicated business because no one can really answer if its possible except the cheaters themselves. External intervention such as counseling and threats of separation can only go so far. Towards the end, repeat infidelity of the cheater may no longer be the issue but the capacity of the cheated spouse to trust again.

The question: Can a cheater ever change for good?

Those who answer "yes" may be people who trust in the basic goodness of human beings regardless of mistakes and faults committed along the way. They can also be people who cannot recognize an unrepentant cheater if they see one. They can also be cheated spouses who choose to forgive and allow trust to reign in the relationship once again.

People who say "no" have zero tolerance for spousal cheating thus their disbelief in the possibility of changing a cheater. They may likewise believe in the basic goodness of humans with the exception of those who have clearly manifested their flaws. They can be cheated spouses who could never give reconciliation a chance.

The middle-grounders who say "maybe" realize that there are certain conditions that need to be met for real change to occur in cheaters. First is the admission of guilt by the cheater and the acceptance by the cheated spouse of the mistake as something forgivable. Second is the in-depth analysis of why cheating occurred and how it can be avoided in the future. Third is the determination of both parties to make it work. Cheaters should stop rationalizing their behavior while cheated spouses should allow the positive change to happen by trusting again.